Page seventeen, Letter seventeen

Dear Kate,

I woke up today to the most loudest rain ever. For a second I thought my window would break out. Then I remembered that my window was open. So I closed it and I went back to sleep. I haven’t slept better than I did today. Not only finally a day where the rain is longer than five minutes, but also a deep sleep. I probably had a dream, but I can not remember it. Lucky me this time. To be honest with you I keep having bad nights. I fall asleep after hours and I mostly wake up feeling like I slept for a minute or four. Some nights I force myself to wake up before they come again.. The nightmares. Sometimes I have these nightmares that are so weird. They are terrible enough. Bath bomb that are really bombs that are strong enought to blow out a wall. Cockroach that hide in food and craw out of you mouths fourths times bigger and kill you when you fight them.Getting shot at with coins at churches. Sometimes even people that you care about slowly dying and there is nothing you can do . The others are more terrible than that. Taking naps are also not really helping any longer.
Mom said it might be the heat playing with my brain. At first I thought it might be stress, but now I don’t think so any longer. I think something else might be going on. Maybe I just need to take some rest and lay off things.
I have been reading so much lately. I finished Melody’s key in 7 days and now I am looking at my shelf every second to see what is next. I have to much to read.. Also to much to write about. Sorry that I have been laying of the writing. I am blocked and there is a lot of things going on I can’t tell you for enough reasons.
One of them is that I am avoiding people. A lot of people. Specially a currant someone. I can’t think straight when I see him. With all the things stuck in my brain, I can’t have that as well. The heat surely is driving me crazy as well, but there is so much more going on. And I can’t just walk in a store and lose my thought for a second and then go back home to not only be stressed out, but also have hundred of more things to worry about in mind. And all because my brain turns off when I notice him. I can’t think clearly anymore.. That is why I am avoiding him..

But luckily it is raining. And I have my notebook.. All I need right now. I guess..

X, Sky

 

P.s. I loved the piece you left behind. It makes me wonder what it is like to drown..

To him

To him in my dreams


I can not stop thinking about it. I can not stop thinking about that kiss. That bad and weird kiss. The smell of beer and cigarettes in my nose. The feeling of a just growing beard against my chin and the tips of my fingers. His hair touching my forehead so often it is starting to itch my skin. My eyes are closed, but I can still see him. His hands not moving, not touching me, but holding his drink. I know why he is not moving. It is because I long for that too much. My brain wouldn’t give me that satisfaction. All I think about is someone completely different. Not the boy I am kissing, a complete different person. I remember walking up to him. Him standing around with his friends. I knew everyone was looking at me, at him, but I didn’t care. I only heard myself yell in mind ‘do it. You are almost there. Don’t back down now.’ But my heart was screaming. Crying for my body to stop whatever I was planning. I had to stop! But my body didn’t. I walked up to him and looked into his eyes. Everyone was talking about something and he did not notice me until I was just a few footsteps away. He looked so surprised. I loved that for a very small second. But when everything was happening.. The kiss.. I could not keep my brain silent. His eyes were dark, but not the shade I wanted them in. His face was dry, hard to the touch. Not a skin I would touch in years. His hair was stiff of hairspray. He would probably hit the life out of me if I would try to even point at it. The sound his voice made reminded me of my worse enemy. My ears would probably cry out with agony if he called me by my full name. All my brain is thinking about is how wrong he is, but it is not about turning this guy down because of looks. My brain is turning him down because of his eyes. The dark shade. The dark empty shade. I can see myself in them. And I am not his princesse, not his queen. All I see in them is a toy. Not a price. And I can see him in them. His true self. His personality. His soul. And all I see is emptiness. No emotions in track. And I still held on to him. And then.. I woke up.. 

And I was happy.. Glad almost. That the boy in my dream was.. Was not you. 

He was nothing like you and that made me so glad. Your hair is nothing like his. Your personality so much more peaceful. The way you talk, it sounds like a complete untold fairytale. Your smile could stop wars. I am not even joking. But your eyes are probably the one thing I like the most. I can always see them looking. Focused. Confused. Even sometimes happy. They always seem to confuse me so badly. And I see them every time, even when you might think I don’t. I see them, don’t you worry about that. I am happy I woke up. I have to get up, force myself to get ready and then the most horrible thing comes.. I have to wait. Again. I have to get up and wait. Wait for a few hours because today is ‘Thursday the eleventh.’ one of the four days you will work. One of the four days I am able to see you. And I have to wait for a few more hours. Then I will get in the car, wait a just little bit more and then my eyes can look at you again. Watch you walk around. Watch you smile. Maybe even look over. I know I should not be looking so much, but my eyes keep finding you. Looking for you.. And I hope to see you again. Maybe just a little. Maybe only one second. If I am lucky maybe two. Three is the ultimate dream. Maybe if I am really lucky then you will look back. Maybe if I am lucky I can catch you. Again.. Maybe.. All I can do is hope. Hope that I am not so shy again. Hope that I am not so nervous again. Maybe one day we will talk. Maybe.. But for now I’ll wait. I’ll wait and enjoy all these small moments. Small seconds I will replay in my head for weeks. Replay and replay and replay until I see you again and then I wait again. Wait for you to find someone who can love you more than every word I just meant. A girl who is not afraid of the ‘what if’s’ and goes for her feelings. A girl who is not waiting a year for you to make a move. A girl who is not looking you up online. I hope you find someone so I get a chance to forget you. But now I will live with this feeling. And maybe one day I will lose them and you will become a memory. A different boy in my dreams. One day your memory will then be put away in a box. Maybe one day one of us will make a move and we can get to know each other. Maybe one day you will become my fantasy. Maybe one day I will say out loud to you ‘You are my fantasy’.

But for now.. To him in my dreams. Keep trying, but you will never be the boy I am looking at right now. You don’t have his eyes..
‘Those eyes of you might be the ones in my dreams, but not the ones in my reality…’


“Right now it is 21’05’2017 00:45, and i am writing when i should be asleep. Only to let HIM know one thing.. 

                  Happy birthday Z….

Page 1, Letter 1

Dear Sky,

What’s it like to drown? He wondered.

He stepped In the water. The coldness of it tingled his toes and sent a shiver all through his body.

He ignored it.

Another step, a rather long one, the water reached just shy of his knees. The cold wasn’t so bad.
It was all playing like a broken record. They all laughed, so did he.
He couldn’t remember what they were saying. He just knew he had to laugh then. His mind wandered.
What’s it like to fly downward?
He looked around, rather bored.
He couldn’t grasp the significance of their conversations.
The clock on the wall kept ticking and ticking and ticking.
Time didn’t run or fly or slipped through his fingers like sand, it washed over him like the flew of the river.
The water reached his knees.
He once almost killed his brother and it wasn’t an accident.
Often he lost himself and not always he could be found.
They never noticed him and that calmed him, spotlight always gives you away.
He felt happy and wondered what’s it like to walk to the other side of the country.

The books he loved the most allowed him to live the lives he had choose not to choose.  The river flew around him as if it went through him. As if he wasn’t there. He wasn’t sure he was.
The picture he kept in his jeans pocket could be destroyed by the water now.
He never had the heart to say he loved his dad more than his mom.
His brother was the opposite of him and too much of a coward just like him.
He didn’t remember what kind of fish were in this particular river, but he felt some small ones tickle his ribs.
Or it could be the brunt of the stream.
He never liked coffee much. Sweet tooth and all.
He put flowers and money in books and forget about them. But not really.
He could be a rich man, who knows?
He couldn’t remember what the weather was like the day his mom and dad put him down and never picked him up again.
He first realized he’s losing his mind when he had to go a full day without any music’s constant present.
He could never keep a diary, how could he trust a piece of paper to hold his secrets and won’t be the end of him?
What secrets could a ten year old have?
He realized everything seemed like it was the end of the world back then only when he was eighteen years and 10 months old.
His favorite color was red and blood always fascinated him.
And he forgot how it feels to walk the earth while sitting on his dad’s shoulders.
He chuckled. The temperature of the water made his nipples hard and stand out under his wet shirt.
He wondered what’s it like to not think at all, ever.
He was in several car crashes through the years but never got hurt .
He never understood the concept of a broken bone in his 23 year of life.
He bought flowers for others only to make himself happy. No one else would do it after all.
He always ate the cupcakes despite knowing they always gave him stomachache. Who was he to deny himself of such small pleasure ?
When he fell asleep on the couch or in the car he never woke up in his bed again.
He made his brother his favorite food and felt at peace.
He wondered what’s it like to drown.
He took a long breath and took one last step.
He wondered what’s it like to breath again.

 

X, Kate..

Page sixteen, Letter sixteen

Dear Kate,

There is a lot I need to tell you. But first. Remember that ‘snake girl‘ I kept talking about. I decided some people really need a name when I keep writing about them. Luckily I am smart and I don’t use their real names. I’ll call snake girl Helena from now on. Yes, I have been friends with her for a while, but I secretly didn’t want her in the story at first. Sadly she is going to be a bigger part now. Specially with the shit that has been going on this week.
I am going to start giving people names for now. Why? Because this is going to be the longest piece yet. So get a snack, maybe a drink, a charger and when you are at it play some music. [Hint. Shawn Mendes! Only because i hear it at least three times a day.]
So before I start this piece. Let me give you the names before I forget and you will ask. Helena is obviously the girl we both know and then there is her boyfriend. Gerard. Don’t worry I will not mention him as often. I’ll try to keep him away as much as possible. Then you already know Lily. My sister and Jennifer my sisters/ my friend. And when we are at it let’s name ‘You know who’ as well. I think Zeke will fit perfectly for now. Also my niece and aunt will be in the story as well. Not so much but I can only call them niece n and aunt s for there own safety. Yeah you saw that switch. I know you know everyone’s name and I kind of am happy you do, but it is also for my safety. Some secrets are not suppose to be out..

So, ready? I know I am never ready. Oh and sorry for the swearing. I really don’t care at this point. So let us go back a few days. Where everything went to shit.

My aunt S was in the hospital again because of dehydration. So we took niece N to see her and I was already tired. I hadn’t slept well and after a while it was hitting me. Hard. I wanted to take naps, but I kept sleeping bad. Nightmares. Yeah, I wish. And knowing my niece she was going to suck every drop of energy I had left in me straight out of me. And she already did the second we were walking around. After a long day of visiting my Aunt and walking around Mom called me to ask if my niece wanted to stay over. So yeah that is how we got her here. We got her stuff and we took her here. She was running around the second we got home. Where do children get there energy?! When she was here she was all over the place. I wanted to work on her birthday gift and I couldn’t she was everywhere. I took naps for two hours. One day even three. I was so tired that I did not care about when and how long I slept. I did not even care about reading because my niece was always there. Asking me things or wanting to play something. I bought her a book and I wish I had done that on day one. She was immediately into it. I still am a bit jealous she has a book with smell things in them. I wished at some points she would just shut up. At the store she was talking so loud all the time. She could have spilled everything. She was repentantly talking about Zeke and about ‘my boyfriend’. Out loud. In the store. With him there. In the store. She saw a picture of someone when I was on Instagram and she asked me if I liked him. She will call everyone I know my boyfriend, just to enjoy herself. Children with their crazy things and ideas. I should have never have told her. The day before she was going home I had to go to a birthday party. I did not want to go, but the person was happy I went. At two in the night I was still working on my niece her surprise gift. She was sleeping so I finally had some time. So I took my time and the next day it took me a few minutes to set everything up at her house. I had a whole hunt ready for her and she loved it. When she finally found her gift she wanted to see it for herself and all we heard was the ripping paper and then a big yelp. Then a small scream and then she came running back to us. When her mom found out she started crying. I had warned her that would happen. And she joked about that weeks before. But not anymore on that day. She hugged me so long my ear was full of water. But I was really tired until this week.
Around Friday I got a message and I was tired of Helena. She was making drama about a engagement ring and I was only trying to help her out. She made a big problem that she did not wanted to get married to Gerard and shit like that. That was around Monday but on Friday she struck a nerve and I just lost it and messaged her. I did not say everything I wanted to say to her. But it was enough for me. Then she turned it to her again. Like she always does. And I started to ignore her. I was done and still am. Luckily we already spoken about it and I am happy you got angry about it.
This week was not so great. And it is not even Wednesday. But that all changed today.. Because i saw him again.. And that made me happy. It is kind of sad how someone makes me that happy. Monday morning was probably hell for me. By the time of midday I had a panic attack. No. Wait make that two. My neighbors are doing some renovation work and they keep waking me up around 9 in the morning. Drilling, Tiles, Stones, hammers. Pure hell. We both are busy with our car drive test thing. But the guy learning me. He is a complete fucking bitch. He yells at me, he thinks I can do everything all of a sudden, he keeps stepping on what is left of my self esteem, he keeps telling me that I suck at things and I am just done. I was so done that I almost cried in the car. I should have gotten out and just walked away. Walked out of it and never come back. I should have yelled at him. Screamed that I am not a toy. But I couldn’t. I am not like that. I went home and broke down. I broke down so bad I had panic attacks. I can’t remember if it was big ones or just small ones on repeat. I do remember it stopped twice and then started three times. I could not speak my words, I could not breath. Even when I laid down it did not stop. My eyes were so red I thought they were bleeding. I am not joking. Then I had to go to the store and I was happy I did. I was talking to the girl we used to babysat and then I saw him again. Zeke walked by again. He took the time to fix up his shoe laces. I did not mind as always and today was even better. I took my time at the store and it was perfect timed. I don’t believe in gods and you know that, but I prayed that I was not going to fuck up in a way today. Everything was good. It could have been better, but A small moment is good enough right? And for a second I forgot that I was really in pain. That my ribcage is literately pushing my lungs into my spine and that my head is overthinking so much i am so stressed i can’t sleep.. But I will survive don’t worry. But you knew that already.. You knew everything already.. Right?

So that is basically how my days went. 60% bad 20% good so far the other 10% is me writing or reading. and 10% me stressing out. Nothing special there. I am just tired of people telling me what to do and what to say..

I still have that “Dream Piece” ready. I’ll talk about it later. That piece is haunting me.. Just like your drowning piece…

How are your exams going?

X, Sky

Page fifteen, Letter fifteen

Dear Kate,
I am so sorry I haven’t been writing so often. Someone should really remind me to write more. [I know you can’t because you are to busy.] I have been with my nose deep into a book I can not come out of. I still have around 140 ages to go, but I need to write a little. I have been writing in my notebook a lot and there is one piece I want to type out badly. It is a piece about Thursday the 11th. I had the weirdest moment and I had to write something about it. I had to get it out of my brain..

I know you are stuck with your exams now and I can’t wait for you to finish them. I really hope it goes well. Right now I have to wait I guess. Write more, read more, wait more.

Before I forget. The books came in. One got canceled what kind of sucked, but the others were perfectly fine. They are in good condition. I ordered a new phone case instead. It will come in soon and of course I will definitely show it to you. I had been busy to clean my shelf’s again. And I saw ‘You know who’ again. He got different jeans and I secretly do like them. He also got rid of that almost growing beard. Thank the gods for that. I still don’t know what he wants. All we do is stare at each other and that is it. Not even joking that is it. I sometimes wished he was a ‘fuckboy’ because then i could have hated him. ‘It is easier to hate someone that to admit you love them.’ Some days i hoped he would have used social media to talk to me. It would be more useful than looking at each other with a lot of people walking between us.. We do talk a lot about him.. I am sorry for that. I just know i can trust you with this..

Oh if you wondered, yes it is raining again. On this very moment I am waiting on it. I can see the sky turn grey. Not yet the dark shade that almost looks black. It is the light sweatshirt colored kind at this point. It is slowly getting darker. It is fine. I know we both love grey and the rain. I could write for days about the rain. About the looks, the way it falls,  the sadness, the calm feeling it gives, the soft sounds in makes when it hits something, the weird smell that you will only last a second or three and specially the cold touch when it hits you. I sound watch it for hours if I had to. But instead I am writing. Waiting. As always. Waiting..

At this very moment. Right now when I am writing this the sky has turned the dark grey and it is only seconds before the rain is going to fall. The trees at the back of the house suddenly look more green. You should see it. It is great. I should get a sweater because the wind is starting. And everyone is suddenly going inside..
And now the sky is dark, wind is doing its job, the lightning is bright and loud and the rain is falling. And there is me, looking at it with my notebook in hand.
Ready as always. Waiting..

 

X, Sky

Page fourteen, Letter fourteen

Dear Kate,

‘Kate why do we always clean up other peoples mess? Mentally, physically or emotionally. We always clean up other people their messes.’

I am sorry I haven’t been writing letters so often. There is something going on I rather explain some other time, some other place. My days are pretty busy because of it now. I feel angry at myself for not noticing the lack of writing. Sorry for that. I did order another stack of books so you will seeing them again soon. I also finished the green book I showed you before. I totally loved it. I immediately picked up the second one. You know how I never do that with series, so you know how much I loved it then. Yes it ended with a cliffhanger, but I swear you might as well just throw yourself off the cliff.
I spent some time with my little niece. You remember her right? She forced me and Lily to the new smurf movie. All the time I wanted to take a nap, but then these figures started talking again. I don’t know what it is with these cartoon characters, but they surely are on drugs. I did like the Trolls movie better. The smurfs movie looked like a cheap copy of it. And no, I still have not seen the Beauty and the beast movie or The Power rangers. I guess I will not see it until it is on DVD or worse. When the spoilers come out. I hate spoilers, but yeah who doesn’t. Just the other day my sister almost got spoiled for ’13 reasons why’ on netflix. She finally finished the book so now she can watch it. She will probably watch it with her boyfriend. So I guess she will finish it after the summer.
I did notice something about her boyfriend. He seems nice. Of everything I heard so far. I made cake for him because he was feeling down and he told my sister it was probably the best cake ever. She got so pissed! She also makes stuff for him but she never heard the same I guess. I still laugh about it. Specially because I would never fall for someone like him. He has a beard. Yeah I know what you think of them.

Anyway how are your exams going?! I noticed you had been off for a few days. I guess you need the time we mostly talk to get the rest. Don’t worry I totally understand. I guess we both are getting bad nights of sleep. I know you are getting hunted by stress now and you are probably smoking it away. Don’t worry I am not going to tell you to quit or even try to stop. If you like it then why not. It is nothing for me. I tried smoking and it was so bad my tongue was numb for two days and the taste was so bad. It also gave me an asthma attack. Twice. I just keep it on sugar and bad nights of sleeps. Just the other day I had a dream my kneecap was shot off. Yeah, that is weird enough, but after that I dreamed of something beautiful. It was about ‘you know who’. I was hanging around with some friends in the dream and we were talking. Sadly I can’t remember what it was about. But suddenly HE came up in the conversation and someone was getting a call. And the phone was pressed in my hands and when I listened to who was talking… It was him. I felt so nervous all of a sudden. I barely get nervous only around him.. But I heard it voice and it was so weird because I heard to words so clearly and now I just remember them as a blur. But all I remembered that we were talking and it was nice. I really liked it.. Hold on scratch that. I loved it. But at the point we seemed to be planning on meeting the people around me became clear again and I woke up. Then it hit me again. The pure cruelty of reality. The reality who I was and I had no idea who these people in my dream had been. Just one. Him. Again.
Sadly I barely dream these days. It pieces me off. I used to love it, but now I just hope for one thing. And mostly I get the sad fact that what looks like a cute dream turns into a nightmare, followed by a even more cruel nightmare.

Reality really does ruin my life…

 

X, Sky

Page thirteen, Letter thirteen

Dear Kate,

Do you ever notice someone looking at you? Can you feel their eyes burning on your skin like the sun. Burn like tears hiding behind your eyes. Do you ever want them to look at you longer than you can ever hope for? Do you hope for them to talk one day? To finally confirm that the person was looking all this time? Do you ever hope for them, those eyes, to look at you and ask what they wanted to ask you since day one? Do you hope for those eyes to call you over? Maybe those eyes call you ‘’Mine’’ one day. For that all you can do is hope.. Do you ever look into those eyes and wonder how they are looking at you? And specially why?

Eyes are special in that way. They can say a lot but hide a lot too. So things we will never understand. The truth, the past. But words can fill them in. Sometimes. Some words have to be spoken to be understood, some are powerful enough understood written down. Listening to sounds can make a mood swing to a good side or bad side in under four minutes by sounds. In under five hundred pages you can run into another world by just reading letters. We find it sad to find out a couple breaking up. It is more horrible to find out that your friends parents are breaking up. But the most terrible one is when your friend is the one breaking up with the person they called ‘the soul mate of their lives’. It is horrible to read, but when you hear it.. It still is more painful.
I find writing easier than talking to some people. I guess that is because I grew up without many friends and most of the friends I made later in life are living far away. So I had no other choose than to write them. I guess writing is the most easy thing to do these days. We have so much writing to do in our lives. Specially on our phones these days. But I am not going to write about all these children walking around with better phones than we both have. I can safe that for another letter. Or not. We will see.
Before I forget I did do the research for the new writing we are planning to do. I found a stack of good books to read for the writing style. I guess we still need to read some of them. But first you have some work for yourself. I know that there is a busy month coming along. So I guess I will have to keep myself busy until you are done with school.

Maybe i will read ‘Thirteen reasons why’ again. I read it two years ago and it was lovely, hateful and above all painful. I did like the show. I love them both and anyone telling me they loved it.. It will probably mean instant friendship to me at that point. [I know you still have to read it. Don’t worry about that.] They all did a great job, but it was so underrated before and now it is becoming a little to big to fast without people loving the book. I guess i can’t complain. I should just be happy they did the best they could. 

 

‘’I guess words can describe a lot, but when the eyes don’t mean it.. They will never speak the truth. The truth might hurt, but it will always be better than another scar.’’

X, Sky