To him in my dreams

I can not stop thinking about it. I can not stop thinking about that kiss. That bad and weird kiss. The smell of beer and cigarettes in my nose. The feeling of a just growing beard against my chin and the tips of my fingers. His hair touching my forehead so often it is starting to itch my skin. My eyes are closed, but I can still see him. His hands not moving, not touching me, but holding his drink. I know why he is not moving. It is because I long for that too much. My brain wouldn’t give me that satisfaction. All I think about is someone completely different. Not the boy I am kissing, a complete different person. I remember walking up to him. Him standing around with his friends. I knew everyone was looking at me, at him, but I didn’t care. I only heard myself yell in mind ‘do it. You are almost there. Don’t back down now.’ But my heart was screaming. Crying for my body to stop whatever I was planning. I had to stop! But my body didn’t. I walked up to him and looked into his eyes. Everyone was talking about something and he did not notice me until I was just a few footsteps away. He looked so surprised. I loved that for a very small second. But when everything was happening.. The kiss.. I could not keep my brain silent. His eyes were dark, but not the shade I wanted them in. His face was dry, hard to the touch. Not a skin I would touch in years. His hair was stiff of hairspray. He would probably hit the life out of me if I would try to even point at it. The sound his voice made reminded me of my worse enemy. My ears would probably cry out with agony if he called me by my full name. All my brain is thinking about is how wrong he is, but it is not about turning this guy down because of looks. My brain is turning him down because of his eyes. The dark shade. The dark empty shade. I can see myself in them. And I am not his princesse, not his queen. All I see in them is a toy. Not a price. And I can see him in them. His true self. His personality. His soul. And all I see is emptiness. No emotions in track. And I still held on to him. And then.. I woke up.. 

And I was happy.. Glad almost. That the boy in my dream was.. Was not you. 

He was nothing like you and that made me so glad. Your hair is nothing like his. Your personality so much more peaceful. The way you talk, it sounds like a complete untold fairytale. Your smile could stop wars. I am not even joking. But your eyes are probably the one thing I like the most. I can always see them looking. Focused. Confused. Even sometimes happy. They always seem to confuse me so badly. And I see them every time, even when you might think I don’t. I see them, don’t you worry about that. I am happy I woke up. I have to get up, force myself to get ready and then the most horrible thing comes.. I have to wait. Again. I have to get up and wait. Wait for a few hours because today is ‘Thursday the eleventh.’ one of the four days you will work. One of the four days I am able to see you. And I have to wait for a few more hours. Then I will get in the car, wait a just little bit more and then my eyes can look at you again. Watch you walk around. Watch you smile. Maybe even look over. I know I should not be looking so much, but my eyes keep finding you. Looking for you.. And I hope to see you again. Maybe just a little. Maybe only one second. If I am lucky maybe two. Three is the ultimate dream. Maybe if I am really lucky then you will look back. Maybe if I am lucky I can catch you. Again.. Maybe.. All I can do is hope. Hope that I am not so shy again. Hope that I am not so nervous again. Maybe one day we will talk. Maybe.. But for now I’ll wait. I’ll wait and enjoy all these small moments. Small seconds I will replay in my head for weeks. Replay and replay and replay until I see you again and then I wait again. Wait for you to find someone who can love you more than every word I just meant. A girl who is not afraid of the ‘what if’s’ and goes for her feelings. A girl who is not waiting a year for you to make a move. A girl who is not looking you up online. I hope you find someone so I get a chance to forget you. But now I will live with this feeling. And maybe one day I will lose them and you will become a memory. A different boy in my dreams. One day your memory will then be put away in a box. Maybe one day one of us will make a move and we can get to know each other. Maybe one day you will become my fantasy. Maybe one day I will say out loud to you ‘You are my fantasy’.

But for now.. To him in my dreams. Keep trying, but you will never be the boy I am looking at right now. You don’t have his eyes..
‘Those eyes of you might be the ones in my dreams, but not the ones in my reality…’

“Right now it is 21’05’2017 00:45, and i am writing when i should be asleep. Only to let HIM know one thing.. 

                  Happy birthday Z….


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